Rose and I just spent the last 4 days together and one of the things that we did during that time was watch “The Princess Bride” as I’ve been told by a number of my friends that I need to watch it anyways.  In general it’s been an amazing week, to start off I’ve spent the last few weeks either coding or this week promoting HollysFund.com a site for my mom’s friend who’s been diagnosed with breast cancer, doesn’t have insurance, or vacation time so it’s an attempt at getting her some help.  It’s been pretty successful so far, which is always exciting.  The outpouring of love and compassion for her has been great.

Then the uh “weekend” came a bit early for me as on Thursday Rose and I started hanging out and stayed together until Sunday.  Even today we ended up hanging out again for a little get together with some of her friends.  It’s always been joked about between my friends that I can’t be around anyone for more than two days without going crazy, which in the past has always been true, humans just annoy me… all of ‘em.  No matter how intelligent or funny you are, chances are something about you will annoy me if we are around one another for very long.  But I can honestly say that after this weekend I’m more in love with Rose than ever… don’t get me wrong I’d like to be able to get more work done than I did, but at the end of the day I’d like the opportunity to have her in my arms.  I like how Rose put it, I think it was Sunday or maybe one of the other days we were together refering to one of her work week days she said that she wishes that she could come home to me… I do too, being around her relaxes me, we’re just comfortable together, and it’s amazing.  So yeah, even though I’ve still not even really said much on here about Rose, she’s my girl, and I’ll do whatever I must to keep her.

Speaking of not keeping up with things on here that’s actually partly due to Rose… but not entirely.  A few factors contribute to that 1) spending at least two nights a week with Rose, and usually more I’ve got to keep up on my work 2) been working more for MTV 3) been doing some actual coding work, and kicking out sites of my own… just finished up on the Holly’s Fund website, and have done what I know to promote it, the rest I’ll leave up to God for that.  Now that I’m done with that I’d like to move on to coding either AgapeBeacon.com or ApplyMyWay.com probably the latter as it’s a little easier, and also could grow quicker giving me a platform (and email mailing list) for launching Agape Beacon.  So it looks like that’s how things are going to go… however I really need to move all of my websites over to my new server (this ones not even been moved over yet).  I’ve got this killer server rented, and the only sites I’ve got on it are brand new not even coded sites so it’s really a waste of money.  I need to move all 17 (seems like that number grows every day) of my sites over to the new server, and slowly get to building sites and coding platforms to make them all unique, and hopefully profitable.  Since as of now I’ve only got three profitable websites because I’ve never established some of my others.  My goal is to have that change over the next year or so.

Have you ever lived outside of your comfort zone?  I don’t mean like, walking out of your comfort zone to talk to some poor stranger, or even a day or two out side of what your norm is… I mean living it, week in and week out.  That’s pretty much how I feel right now… for the last 8 months or so I’ve actually tried staying out of my comfort zone, makes things more exciting.

Anyways, what have I been up to?  Not that many of you care, especially when I’ve not updated in some time.  but that question can be answered pretty simply.  Two things pop into my head when I think of what’s been going on with me, I’ve been dating Rose and working!  Rose is probably the biggest reason why I’ve been out of my comfort zone.  I don’t think she even knows it, I’m used to being my usual anti-social, blogging, website building, gamer, that rarely leaves the house for more than a few hours a day to ride my bike around Parkville.  With her I’m out of sorts, and I’ve got to be strong still… it’s a good stretch and I actually really like it.  I’ve not really been on here to say that I’m dating Rose, and at some point in time I’ll really write something meaningful, I’m in all business mode right now though!

As far as working goes the biggest project I’ve been working on is HollysFund.com which has been great, but I’ll be glad to get the finishing touches on it this week.  Holly is a woman my mother has known and worked with for five years, who has breast cancer and is in great need of support.  My mother commisionned me to build a website for her and see how the community of the interwebs could help her.  I agreed and have been pounding away at that.  The site is up and ready to go!  There are a few finishing touches for me left, pictures, some more divisions in the CSS for the pictures and comment box stuff… but it’s good.  I’m only hoping that you all out there on the net show Holly the love and support that can be found in this world.  I’ve seen the power of community on the internet, now show it to someone who really needs help!  The most you could do for Holly would be to pray for her, I know you probably don’t know her, I just met her this last week… but God knows who she is, and loves her.

Wow, much to go over for week two of faire! Let’s see… I know I like to make things confusing and as indirect as possible for everyone reading my blog, but this is one time that if I don’t put things in sequential order it just sounds like utter chaos! So let’s start there… with the weekend in order. Last week I met Rose, one of Tiana’s friends coming to help us with Cathy’s stuff… kinda doing the same thing I was, just ended up doing different jobs. Rose and I have a very similar flirting style; the subtle, gentle, yet affectionately aggressive flirting that tends to build quickly. So I was very much so anticipating spending another weekend with her. When we got there Friday night there was another guy flirting with her, as several have been, I mean it’s faire, and she’s a beautiful girl that is so perfectly womanly in all the right ways. So it’s been no surprise that several other guys have been flirting with her, and I’ve flirted with other people as well… it’s just I seem to get the tone change with Rose… which I believe I’ve written about before, if not it’s one of my signs that I look for when someone likes someone else. You know how you can be having a conversation with a group of people but when your attention is directed towards that one person your entire demeanor just changes? Yeah, that’s what I mean by the tone change… With Rose I could come up behind her and run my finger tips across her back and she just softened when she knew it was me, though she flirted with other guys I never saw the softening… which is why I wasn’t worried nor cared that she flirted with others. However… later that night as I was going out for a walk… after having run the dog around the park twice I saw Rose, who seemed to want to go with me, but as I later learned had already started a conversation with the other guy who was flirting with her earlier. I was a little frustrated, and really wished she had come with me, which is why I didn’t really want to come back at that time as stated in my previous post. As for the rest of my Friday night, and what I found while out on my journey through the woods you can read about that in my post from the 27th (Tuesday)

When Saturday came around I was really not feeling up for anything, after having run the dog, and walking around in the woods for hours the night before my legs were already sore, and the weekend hadn’t even begun. Never the less I still had a decent day, I was able to keep energetic throughout the time whole time I was playing with the youngins, even managing to get a few tips! I went to go talk with Rose for a little while after I was done with my stuff, and that’s where my day started going down hill a bit. I just didn’t understand why at the time, but Rose was acting very differently, and ended up leaving faire after close with some other people… which of course EVERYBODY at the booth was talking about without knowing any real details… so I had to get away from all of them. Apparently the guy from the night before had sent Rose several roses throughout the day, because he kinda got the idea that I had that she liked him. I guess she didn’t mean to give off that impression, so just wanted to get away from it all… which is understandable, I still wish she would of taken a different approach since I would of gladly taken her away from faire for the night, and none of us really knew the people she left with… so I spent the night being myself and worrying about her… even though at this point I didn’t think she liked me in the least.

Anyways, Sunday turned out to be an interesting day. I pulled myself together to try not to exile Rose as I feared might happen with some of the others… and am now very glad that I did. The day was pretty much your average day at faire, but got very interesting at night! They rushed all the patrons out at close and warned the vendors of heavy rain to come… which most of us scoffed at because it had been raining all day, and when they told us there wasn’t a cloud in the sky… but it was somehow magically sprinkling, don’t ask me how that one worked, still trying to figure it out myself. It actually did end up raining… a lot. So much so that it pretty much trapped us within the art booth for the night, which gave Rose and I some valuable time to look at artwork, and chat. Even though the rainstorm made the parking lot into a lake, and the creek into a raging river… it gave time to smooth over and clear up a lot of the emotional turmoil floating around. So now it’s just a waiting game once again for the weekend to come! haha, gotta make good on the walk Rose and I have promised one another.

As for pictures they’re up on MySpace and Facebook, but I do plan on doing a big picture post at the end of faire where I’ll pile all of them with some descriptions into one post. I haven’t taken a whole lot of pictures anyways, as is generally the case.

There will be a time in which I will talk about faire this weekend, as many of you have asked for updates. Believe me there is much to be talked about too. I’ve decided… or rather it’s been decided for me that I’m going to write my first real story. In the last couple weeks I’ve had a number of complete strangers, and friends of mine telling me that I need to be a writer. I’ve had a few emails from people I just met telling me how much of an inspiration my blog is to them… which is to say the least pretty odd for me. I know I’ve written some good stuff, but wouldn’t think that it’d be just amazing. For a long time I’ve been able to dodge peoples “you should be a writer!” comments with the basic “yeah, but all you’ve seen is my personal writings, and that’s all I’m really any good at.” which has kept many people at bay from hounding me continually to write some sort of novel. I think it’s time that I quit ignoring those comments though… the idea of not ignoring them any more dawned on me last week when I got home from faire and was unable to concentrate on my “real” work… it was in that time that I started to write a story. The story isn’t new in any way for me, in fact it’s quite old. One of my friends that said I should be a writer got to hear my story of an old teacher I had who allowed me to make up for some of my grade if I wrote an epic poem. After explaining the story line briefly to her she said that now she really wishes I hadn’t lost my copy of the story… I feel that way too, but there’s still a lot there. The general idea is there at least, has grown, modified, and expanded since the original story. Now I would very much so like to share that story with you all.

At first I was just going to write the entire story, put it in PDF form, and allow people to nab it from my site… however another concept arose at that time as well. I have many friends who are a part of Harry Potter or LOTR role playing forums, so the idea spawned for me that maybe I could tell the story in an ongoing manor, being that I’m quite impatient myself. The general idea is to start a new website and blog specifically for the story, once a week I’ll post a new segment as to where the story line is going, then others can come in with comments, create new characters, and make the story their own in a sense. It works with the story line, and my writing style the only problem I could see is finding people to contribute… Which is what I’m hoping for now, I need some sort of response from this, and I’ll post the beginning of the story later on to see what peoples reactions are. If those of you who read my blog here think it’s a good idea, even if you wouldn’t necessarily contribute yourself then let me know and that’s the way I’ll pursue this story. Otherwise I’ll just write it, PDF it, and post it here for all those interested to download and hopefully enjoy.

So here’s the story line in a nut shell: In a time of oppressive governments, and no rule for the free one man rises up to bring together those that would like something more out of life. The story follows this man in his rise to power, showing the more personal side and struggles to leading. It will go into his struggles with remaining in secrecy while being the public face for this underground resistance, the scrutiny he falls under, and his thoughts on how things are turning out. The way I plan to write it is a first person narrated story, which is why the blog idea works out so much… as many writers do I plan on using a lot of self projection with my own experiences and what not… done in this manor it would actually probably give a lot of you a better glimpse into my mind than even this blog does, since to me, everything is a story to be had. The excerpt I leave you with now actually comes from this weekend. It’s put in the eyes of the main character of this story, but it’s 99% true in what I experienced Friday night… though my reason for going was quite different. I went because, well I walked off to the second parking lot to listen to music, and dance around… then I didn’t really want to come back while Rose was still awake (which is a long story that may be explained in my faire ramblings to come later this week) to I started to walk towards the woods as I felt a nudge from God saying “Go this way” and soon “Follow this path” eventually leading to “Go just a little bit further” I always try to listen to those promptings because I’ve never been dissatisfied. There have been many times where I’m alone out in the woods and just listen to where God is directing me to go, and have seen some of the most amazing things of nature you’d ever hope to take part in… this is the first time that what I was lead to was in fact not a part of nature at all… but anyways, with that, read on I think you may enjoy.

Sometimes at night I like to walk through the woods. Not any woods, there is a specific area I enjoy traveling through. I love this area because of what I found one day. I was wandering aimlessly one night through an area of thick pine trees. The path I followed has been traversed many times before, yet with the young pine trees sprouting up, and the winding path it followed, it felt fresh, new and alive for the first time. After an hour that seemed to be joyous ages I came upon a clearing. the grass grew to my waist at this point, and the landscape was dotted with old, tattered fence posts. Looking up at the horizon, towards where the moon shown through the clouds with a lavender glow I saw an old barn. Or rather the skeleton of an old barn silhouetted against the night sky. It was a mystery to me at first why I loved that barn so, I thought that it might have to do wit the romantic essence engulfing my very soul. It is not until now that I believe that I’ve come close to understanding my love affair with that old barn. Seeing the remains of this decaying structure stirs something in me. When I look at the barn I see a love of sorts, not a fleeting love that dies quickly at the first sign of a storm, but one that spans ages. The love is ever present in the foundation of such buildings. Someone once had enough love, either for their animals, or very family to build them a shelter to last centuries, even under the strain of neglect. though its beauty and glory long stripped away the strength and endurance of love still stand in boastful victory.

For those of you that know my writing style this isn’t anything really new… I’m just looking for opinions. I think once I put the entrance to the story up some of my closer friends may have a little bit of a clue as to where the story is going, and might be able to better tell me what they think. Of course with the continual story idea each week should include something about 5x as long as that excerpt, at least that’s the goal. Each week will be it’s own mini story within the story, that will hopefully be built upon greatly throughout the week by those who come to read, and myself in response to the community.

I really should keep up on my writing more, but instead of doing so I’m just gonna lump everything I’ve been thinking about into this one post. I’ve had a post “Shotgun wielding romance” that I wanted to write, and another “Lower prices, no matter what the cost” along with some other smaller not completely formed ideas that didn’t have titles yet that will all be lumped together. A lot of it comes from being at Faire that has brought up these thoughts again, because in some odd way or another they can all be related to faire. Or at least with my particularly abstract mind they find themselves relating.

The first part of this starts with shotgun wielding romance… haha which is just great to me!  So I was playing Half-Life:2 Episode Two because I love the story line and the price just broke on it so I figured I’d nab it.  I wanted to get it last year on my birthday, when it was supposed to release, then it got delayed several months, and I quit caring so much so I let the price come down first.  Anyways I was playing and my mother was curious as to what was keeping my interests so much, so I started explaining to her what the game was about… to which she replies “Ah, so sort of like Kate and Leopold without the romance.”  I was like “Hmmm… no more like Kate and Leopold with aliens in post apocalyptic times.”  because there is the romance!  The title I was going to put on this section comes from a scene of HL:2 Episode One you find yourself fighting with Alyx through a hospital and she says “Oh a hospital, keep you eyes out for medical supplies.”  When you get to the end of the hospital there’s a Combine battle station Alyx is like “Forget medical supplies, I found a shotgun!”  Shotguns are kind of funny anyways in games because they’re really only good for support weapons in combat situations.  They fire slow, they’re a little clumbsy to handle, and reloads can be deadly so most people don’t want to go charging in alone with just a shotgun.  Now at this point in the game I’ve already gone most of it with just the shotgun and was using it at this point too, so now there are two of us charging down the hallways of this place wielding shotguns!  It’s like firepower?  We has it!  Speed?  Who needs it?  So I was thinking about the psychological levels of the game, and why the series has sold over 2million copies for PC alone (plus it’s on Xbox 360 as well).  I was thinking about it and it’s really no surprise at all… I mean… that’s the kind of romance that I want!  I want someone who’s by my side through everything fighting zombie aliens and the Combine Overwatch in an effort to save humanity!  Seriously who doesn’t?  And I’m not just talking about guys, I don’t think it’d be terribly far fetched for me to say that most of my female readers would want to go side by side with their man into enemy territory with a pair of shotguns… figuratively speaking.  I might actually much prefer swords, but hey, call me old fashioned.

The next part I’m gonna combine with my faire ramblings because they very directly relate… and maybe you’ll understand a little bit why I so relate the last paragraph to faire… maybe not because I’m quite odd.  I’ve actually had a post for some time in my queue that I just never really wrote with me ranting about our society and how we’ve all rich, or poor begun to go for the lowest priced items no matter what the cost is.  Believe it or not but America could actually pull itself out of the financial mess that we’re in if we’d start paying attention to the products we buy.  It’s as simple as that and we’d start moving in the right direction.  So many people have begun to just buy things just because they’re cheaper… many of which actually believe they’re saving money too!  That’s what kills me, most people I talk to are like “well I’d love to get better products and pay a little more for American made stuff if I could afford to.”  what they don’t realize is that you cannot afford not to!  I’m the kind of person that buys something to buy it once, and use it the rest of my life if possible.  Oh sure I pay three, four, maybe even ten times as much for the stuff I get as compared to the Chinese made crap so many people feel they are saving money with.  Thing is, I buy once, it works right every time, and nothing else gets marred because of it.  I guess that’s one huge reason as to why I love faire so much!  There are actually people who put time, and passion into making products!  I’ve come home missing that… After a while of working online I’ve somehow been able to get used to the idea of not really doing anything worthwhile or lasting in my work… After coming back from being at faire I find it excruciatingly difficult to get to work at all… I want to be running my little business!  So the goal is to work for the next year or so, however long it takes to build up some money and a good stable income from the business… then move on from MTV and do my own stuff… Just gotta find a way to temporarily get the motivation to be doing some work

“A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship” This is a quote from the third and final Lord of the Rings standing at the black gates, as orcs pour forth, Aragorn turns to his men and says this… In a company of primarily men, he addresses their deepest fear. The fear of all men, the day when our strength fails. We all fear inadequacy, every man does, it’s why a good many men stay in their comfortable jobs their entire lives, they know it, they know they can succeed, they know that even on a bad day they can come through on top. I’ve done a pretty good job of preparing myself to enter into jobs not because they’re easy, but because they are a challenge, and also to leave jobs when the challenge is gone… it’s an unstable way of life, drastic, and fearful… I’ve never failed for long though, to me a failure would be to accept mere adequacy as my determiner for life. I come to you today, to speak of something that I’ve never been good at however… something… that quite frankly scares me to death.

A few of you know of my new “love interest” so to speak… Jessica Rawlins. She’s a great girl that I met online, and even guarding my heart as well as I know how, was melted by her tenderness, and sincere love. Back when I was first getting to know the internet and learning my way teaching my way through CSS, and HTML I also took up another fantasy of “dating” girls I met online. The idea is was more than a little bit ridiculous at 14 I had absolutely no hope of meeting anyone I spoke with… and eventually realized that it was a silly thing. However I guess that something has changed recently with the realization that I now have the means to go to someone if we were to fall in love. So that’s where I am, I do plan on going to see Jessica here in the next couple of months… it’s not even an option really anymore. The only question is what will be the means of transportation. Or it was, I’m should be able to afford to drive here pretty soon with the new job as a manager with MTV. I care for her, and truly believe that she cares for me… but she still scares me to death. There is so much about her that is so similar to Jess (yeah, besides just the name), who pretended everything was fine up until the last minute before breaking up with me with the knowledge that she had already moved on to someone else… The fear and pain remain from that… I feel like just being weak, turning back, going home. I feel like I’m standing at the Black Gates of Mordor, the orcs are pouring out, and forming up to surround me, I could give in now, I could admit inadequacy, defeated with my head hung low and return home “safe” and unharmed. But it is not this day! The rest of the speech from Aragorn is as follows:

Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!*

Christ did not give up at the foot of the Cross. He did not turn back from all the danger that surrounded him… he went forth, into the black lands, and came out victorious. I will follow my king… to whatever end. To whatever end.

I’ve really gotten into Hulu.com it’s a new site that’s a bit of a joint venture between Fox, and NBC-Universal.  One of the shows on there that I’ve gotten into a lot is Terminator, the Sarah Connor Chronicles.  I’ll just assume that everybody knows the Terminator story.  Anyways, the television show is the story between the stories.  If you remember in the first Terminator we learn that Sarah Connor is pregnant, and her son is going to lead mankind in a war against the machines… well it’s not exactly an easy road.  This is the story of that path.  It’s not the apocolypse yet, but it sure ain’t no picnic either.  I really like the show though, thought it might be somewhat lame… and went in without many expectations because I loved the Terminator movies, I knew that a Terminator show was likely to just be a way to milk some money out of the name.  They’ve actually done a very good job with it however.  The writers have not only created a dramatic story line that is captivating around every turn, but they have also done a very good job of pointing to where our fears should truly lie, and why it’s so easy for us to be taken in by stories like this.  In one of the episodes it’s the end, they’re recaping everything that has occurred, and Sarah says “The machines are just like us, except perfect.  The only thing that separates us from the machines is that they will never have faith, understand the arts, or emotions.  If they could learn these things, they wouldn’t need to destroy us, they would be us.”  That’s pretty badly quoted I can’t remember the exact words used.

It still gets the point across though.  We don’t have to wait until the future, we don’t have to wait until AI gets control making mankind a singular slave body… we’re already at that point.  Our enemy is not the machines, it is ourselves.  The cold, calculated, precise, and repetitious way we do things has been the undoing of our humanity.   We don’t know what it is to interact any more, we don’t know what it is to love, or to risk.  Even with movies like the Matrix and Terminator people still fail to see the reality that lies around them… they fail to see that they are a slave.

You know, I never got in the original Terminator movies why they could be so believable.  Why they could be so scary.  The machines always have a mission, they always have an objective.  And even though they have artificial intelligence they could not have by themselves come up with a plot to destroy all mankind.  The robots have to be programed by someone.  Now I could understand if the robots were programed to set out and destroy all but one type of people, all but one race, all but one color, all but one country… I just never quite concieved as a child why the robots were set out on killing EVERYONE.   It didn’t make sense to me, but it does now.  I understand that the robots are not literal robots, but rather a personification of what is already taking place in our society.  There’s a whole army of corporate clones that have killed their hearts to achieve deadly precise fiscal growth every year, they have set out to kill the heart of anyone that comes in contact with them, and they will stop at nothing to continue the movement.  Except, nobody has to kill you in this war, it is a war for your soul.  All they have to do is make you forget what art is, forget what beauty is, forget what fun, or pleasure is… once you don’t remember those things any longer, they don’t have to kill you, you’ve become one of them.

I’ve been reading through John Eldredge’s book The Journey of Desire Which has been a good read… also a hard read.  The whole time I’m going “John, I don’t know what my heart wants.”  And it has been true, I’ve been struggling with what my hearts true desire is… I finally came to a question, one posed by Jesus to a crippled man laying at a pool hoping beyond all hope to get well… Jesus simply asks “What do you want?” Isn’t it obvious?  I don’t think so… I’ve been dwelling on the question for a long time now, and it’s not so obvious.  You’ve got to cut past a lot of bullshit to find the answer in your heart of hearts.  Here is the list of things that I’ve come up with for my life, I am not ashamed of anything on this list, I don’t care how selfish or greedy they may sound, I’ve spent a lot of time burning away the dross, separating the chaff.  This list is genuine, and I thoroughly believe these items are the items embedded on my heart by God himself… by moving towards these I will never go wrong.  I will not be discouraged if I cannot achieve any number of these desires in this lifetime, for if these are the desires of my heart etched in by God himself, they will be accomplished in the next life… the only thing that I do worry about, is that they are not grand enough… they don’t even scratch the surface for what lies in store for me in eternity.  Either way here is what I want…

I want…

• to invent my own language
• to lead my own nation
• to be remembered through time and history
• to be a great artist
• to be the best swordsmith ever
• to live a life of adventure
• to marry a beautiful woman I can cherish
• to have others see Christ in me  (I hate evangelism, I hate pushing anything on people, but I do want to make a difference in their life and move them towards my God)
• to be praised for my work
• a life without boundaries
• a life full of joy and love
• children to pass my name and legacy on to

and more simply put… but just as true:

• to be known
• to be seen
• to be heard

In these ways I worship the Lord.

You know, the week is always the hardest part for me, and definitely what ruins my chances of asking the girl at church out.  Conundrum: I really know nothing about her… yeah, she’s got gorgeous eyes, and the mystery of not knowing makes her all the more intriguing… beyond that I have nothing to go on.  Throughout the week believe it or not but I talk to other girls too!  Which most of them are just friends never thought of them as anything more… others it gets a little bit complicated.  Like Jessica (a different Jessica) just a random girl I met on MyYearbook (second person of over 800 friends that I’ve found that is really cool!).  The thought of actually liking her is pretty distant… she’s beautiful, and just the sweetest thing ever!  I made an exception for Joanna on the whole dating online thing… but I really don’t like to anymore (used to way back in the day when I was into neopets).  I don’t really know anything about Jessica’s religious views so there’s where the hesitation comes in.  I get the feeling that she’s just someone God put in my path to share His plan for her with… but you know how it is when someone of the opposite sex is sweet and caring to you?  It just complicates things.  I know I want to show her what love is, and what role a guy should play in a girls life… but I’ve got to do so in a friend appropriate way.

Then there’s the biggest challenge of all.  A past crush.  Andrea actually found me on FaceBook when me and Joanna were still going out, and made the last week tough for me to say the least.  I met Andrea because she’d go with a friend of hers to youth church at Rolling Hills… Of course you know me I never got the opportunity to really ask her out or anything, and really rarely talked to her… but I got the idea that she liked me because she’d always give me a hug every week.  Oh I loved Andrea’s hugs too!  I don’t know if I can explain it, but there are just some people who fit…  Yeah it’s a weird way to describe it, but have you ever put your arms around someone and just known that they belonged there?  It’s like your bodies were made to be next to one another’s.  That’s how I always felt hugging Andrea, didn’t matter how I put my arms around her… she belonged there in my arms.  Then there was always the reason for the first hug.  The girl that Andrea would come with was a regular there and I had been friends with her for a while (I am totally sorry I am drawing a blank to come up with her name) but she was this bubbly happy girl and I was friends with her brother too.  She would always hug EVERYONE as she left, and I think got the idea that I was a physical kind of person from how I’d hug her… so on the second or third time that me and Andrea had been there as we’re all leaving she hugs me then kind of elbows Andrea so Andrea comes and gives me a hug… a lingering, beautiful hug… out of the corner of my eye I can see Melissa (Muahahahaha!!! I remembered her name!) who is like standing on her tip toes with a big smile, and that girly giddy tone about her that all girls get when they think there’s a love connection with one of their friends… yes… I was stupid to never have asked Andrea out… but I also don’t think that it’s bad because I really needed to learn a lot about myself, and dating.  As I have learned TONS in the last 6 months.  So you can see why just the thought of Andrea makes me smile and sigh a little bit.

Anymore I’ve felt like a little kid at God’s side tugging at his cloak going “God… God… tell me what to do… God… choose for me… God… I don’t want to have to choose… you pick… tell me which one to pick… God… God… hey God… God…”  I don’t know of Andrea still likes me, or if she ever did… I don’t know if the cute girl at church is right for me… I don’t know I’d ever even get to meet Jessica… But I also cannot sit in indecisiveness, it’s not fair to anyone.  I still don’t know though, even making a list of all the goods and bads trying to do things the logical way makes no progress.  Love cannot be reasoned with and that bugs me!  Haven’t you ever just wanted a nice formula that you could punch into a calculator to find out who’s right for you?  Wouldn’t that be convenient…

Alright, so I failed at talking to the cute girl at church again… I need a new angle on this… We all know that talking is not my strong suit (even though I can be a very good public speaker, random small talk is not my thing).  I can guide, I can talk to crowds on the fly, I can council… I can’t say “hi”.  That’s just not one of my strong suits… so we’re going to forget about that plan and play to my strengths.  I’m a physical communicator, a light touch with the right look can mean all the difference!  I’ve thought many times that it would be so much easier for me to just walk by her and lightly brush my finger tips across her waist than to try and create some sort of small talk.  Dunno how well my taking the pamphlet and brushing my fingers against hers will work… I was staring into her eyes… oh she has such pretty eyes soft and tender, I melt every time I stare deep into her eyes.  uh… where was I?  Oh right… I was busy staring into her eyes as I took the pamphlet and didn’t even notice till I already had it in my hand that she took it in the middle this time, perfect position for me to be able to brush her finger tips with mine as I took it… except I was distracted and noticed too late

So with trying to play to my strengths there are two options for me… only two ways that I can see me being able to do anything.  Either A) just straight up going to her and saying “Hey, I think you’re cute, I’m not very good at coming up with clever ways of talking to someone, more of a physical communicator, so I just had to tell you straight out.”  or B) Walking close by her and lightly running my finger tips against her waist when I say “hi” and take a pamphlet… In all honesty I’m more comfortable with option B however, it’s a little bit forward for anything other than theatre.  It’d work like a dream in theatre, but we’re not in theatre anymore, this is the real world where people get sued for sexual harassment (luckily no one at the church knows my name so that’s not gonna happen! Therefore it’s still an option).   I hate option A because there is no real creativity to it… I mean it’s just blah doesn’t really make me aspire to anything, and makes me out to be a boring person… I don’t like to think of myself as really boring, just not a big talker, which might be hard for some of you who have just read my blog because I write so much.  Obviously if I’m going to be in any sort of meaningful relationship with someone I’ve got to find someone who understands the physical communication or they will think I don’t even like them, or that I’m ignoring them… So I’m thinking option B isn’t such a bad option.  If she’s weirded out by it, or doesn’t respond, we wouldn’t be very good together anyways.  Option B is still very forward of me… so it’s questionable.  I don’t know!  We’ll see how it goes next week, I should get to talk to Tiana tomorrow for my birthday party so we’ll see what she thinks, and get some others opinions then go from there.